At this point, you might be saying to yourself, “This judge had to have gone through a divorce to know exactly what I’m feeling at this level.”
However, with this presumption, you are only half-correct.
Yes, I have lived through divorce, but it was not mine.
I lived through the divorce of my parents, I have lived through the divorces of very close dear friends, and I lived through divorce as an attorney representing clients who were experiencing this devastation first-hand.
One thing that has made me a top-rated attorney and a well-respected judge over the past 20 years is also what makes me a really good friend: I listen.
I hold onto every word and hear every word that people speak to me. In fact, I listen so closely that sometimes, I begin to feel deep in my emotions what the other person is expressing with words.
This is why I can empathize so closely with those going through divorce. When my clients tell me the deepest, darkest, ugliest secrets of their situations, they know that I must hold everything they tell me in the strictest of confidence; I must abide by attorney-client privilege and not share what they have said with anyone. People seem to feel a certain sense of freedom to come clean about things even things unrelated to the legal matter I am representing when they know that it cannot be repeated.
Now, mind you, attorney-client privilege does not apply to matters discussed between friends.
They just assume that because I am an attorney, I have to keep all of their secrets to myself. In any case, I don’t mind; I just go with it! As a result, my friends and associates have nicknamed me “The Keeper of Secrets”, a title that I proudly wear, because under no circumstances have, I ever violated their confidentiality.
One of the benefits of being a “vault” that guards secrets is that when people, particularly those who are in the throes of divorce, toss their filters aside and open up to engage in a no-hold-barred conversation about their experiences, if you listen closely, you learn a lot.
A whole lot!
You learn that regardless of where people are from, the color of their skin, where they went to school or how much money they make, the pain and grief of divorce are the same for everyone. The fears are the same, the questions are the same, and the hope for a day to come when they will feel normal and happy to be able to laugh again, even if only for a few minutes is the same.
Both my personal experiences and my professional legal career, coupled with a strong spiritual relationship with my Creator, have earned me a wealth of knowledge about how to survive the tragedy of divorce. And yes, divorce is just that: a tragedy.
Some counselors have described it as an experience worse than living through the actual physical death of a spouse. They describe it this way because the ex-spouse is no longer a part of your life but a walking, breathing reminder of the death of the relationship. As such, there is no finality.
However, just as I know the intricacies of the tragedy of divorce, I know the process of getting through it, both emotionally and legally. I have walked with person after person through the experience, and I have seen what works and what does not work, again, both emotionally and legally.
Although there is no real “right way” to go through such a difficult and emotional storm, I have witnessed first-hand the outcomes of those who did it the wise way as well as watched those who did things the foolish way. Parties in both scenarios have stood before my bench as I rendered verdicts in the courtroom. Trust me.
Do it the wise way.
My courtroom is often occupied by ex-spouses being brought up on charges for a wide variety of reasons that could have been easily avoided if they had only received some sound help and guidance in going through their process.
As I watch them being brought up on charges for slashing their ex’s tires, disturbing the peace at their ex’s home, physically fighting with their ex, or acting out some other bitterness, anger, or rage-related behavior at the expense of their ex-spouse, I can only shake my head.
However, I do not do so for the cause of judging them. Instead, I do so because I know that they need help.
As you read this, you might be at one of several different stages.
You might have had “the dreaded conversation” with your partner and decided that the best way to go is to dissolve the marriage, but you are still living with one another perhaps even still sharing the same bed.
You might have had “the dreaded conversation” with your spouse and couldn’t bear the agony of looking at your future ex, so you are now living apart as the process begins.
You might be further on in the process, having been separated for a little while as each of you waits for the other’s next move.
If you’re not the one who acts first, you’re probably the one wondering,
“Is my partner really going to file papers against me? Are we really going to do this? I’m going to wait and see.”
If you are spiritual, you might be separated, but praying like you’ve never prayed before for God to give you a miracle of reconciliation, because you know that there is nothing too hard for Him.
You might be in a position in which you are already deep into the process, scheduling meetings with mediators, arbitrators and attorneys and going to court dates as you battle the person you once loved with all of your heart to maintain possession of the things that mean the most to you.
Or, it might all be over.
You might be finally, completely and legally divorced, wondering how to go on with your life. What’s the next move? You truly cannot figure out where to go from here.